You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
you had me at cake vodka
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
