What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
