I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
