my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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