Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
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All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
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You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
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