He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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