Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
