guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
