im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
