After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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