the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
