sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
