Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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