Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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