If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
