You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
We talked him into tasing himself.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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