the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
