These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
