My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
