Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
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