He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
