I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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