Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
is that a dick in a sweater?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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