a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
