I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
