I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
