I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
