Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
