dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
