I don't usually arrange sex via text message
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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