Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
vagina is talking i cant
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
