I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
