Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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