if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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