she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
