I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Randomize
