I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
