I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Randomize
