Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Randomize
