Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
