Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
