Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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