I must be too annoying 4 u.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
