I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
