everyone is single if you try hard enough
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
