I murdered the dance floor call the cops
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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