plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
