Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
