i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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