I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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