I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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