We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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