FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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