my vag is so smooth its legendary
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
