and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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