nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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