I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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