who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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