I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
